Caterpillar. (Confessions of a Would-Be Artist)

On Wednesday I received a very exciting phone call, that my chosen university had processed all payments and application and would be emailing my initial course materials to me along with sending them to me by post as a hard copy..

Needless to say I am (in equal measures!) both elated and scared witless! I can’t wait to start on the degree course but my anxious head is telling me all sorts of things like ‘You’re not good enough’, ‘It’ll be too much to handle’, ‘You’ll start it but you wont finish it!’, ‘What if you hate it?’ and the bold courageous part of me is jumping for joy and yelling ‘DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!’

With great trepidation I am at here now with the box full of folder, notebook, study guide and pen and gripped with what can only be described as ‘doom’. Where the heck has this come from? I have been waiting for this moment for months! Why have I suddenly got such crippling performance anxiety when the only person I have to perform for is myself?!

My only guess is that it is fear of the unknown, fear of putting myself out there to be judged. Somehow posting pictures here on my blog and on facebook pales into comparison to having them graded!

I have yet to read any of the course materials, that’s for later today when I am not on my own, having some support to go through them, I am sure will take some of the fear out of the whole process…

Here are some of the more recent portraits I have drawn, I am including them to inject a bit of enthusiasm to carry on with this despite the obvious anxiety!

Daon ALbarn
Damon Albarn
see no evil
See No Evil
hear no evil
Hear No Evil
speak no evil
Speak No Evil
RObin WIlliams 1
Robin Williams

At the moment I feel like I am on the verge of transformation, like a caterpillar, waiting to flourish. It might seem like an obvious reference, I prefer it to being a tadpole, though a decent runner bean seedling would be ok. I am going to spend much of the day in the garden helping things outside to grow, maybe this will inspire  my own growth…

With working through this degree on my mind, I am drawn to a short poem written by Apollinaire, I will leave you with this:

Caterpillar
 
Work hard, poets work hard with good cheer:
Work leads to wealth and freedom from fear;
And butterflies, for all their graces,
Are merely caterpillars who persevere.
 
~Apollinaire~

 

 

Advertisements

Author: StarryShapes

I am an Artist and Clinical Hypnotherapist, qualified to Advanced Level, AdvDipHyp, AdPr, DipHyp, CMH CPNLP, currently training in CBT to further my learning and skills. I love to learn and read about the subjects that I enjoy so much. I am also about to embark on the Drawing Degree that I have waited a lifetime to begin! Onwards and Upwards! I love to Write, Draw and Write Poetry.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s